Marrying Into The Military: What To Expect For New Spouses
So, you’re marrying your service member! Congratulations! Maybe you’ve known each other since before they joined, or maybe you just met not too long ago (hey, I don’t judge- my husband and I were married 6 months after we met). Before you exchange vows and pack your things to move in together, there are a few things that you should prepare yourself for.
#1. The military comes first. This was a really hard pill for me to swallow personally when we first go married (as I’m sure is the same for many others) as I had no experience with the military and no idea what to expect. It was very quickly that I learned this when my husband told me that he wasn’t sure if they were going to allow him to have the day off for our wedding day. What the hell? This is our wedding day, how could they potentially keep him from that? Well, I was in for a tough ride. I very quickly learned and needed to accept that (even though this phrase is overused) the military and the mission does in fact come first, whether we want it to or not. There will probably be times that your service member will be working well past 5:00pm, and may even have to work on the weekends. It’s the name of the game and especially important to understand that we have no control over this, and neither do they.
#2. You will spend time apart from your service member. Whether it be long hours and days that they are working that causes you to have to spend more time by yourself, or field ops and deployments, it’s going to happen. And, even more importantly, it can happen unexpectedly on a whim. It is very important to prepare ourselves in not only taking on the role of a wife, but also a service member’s wife. It comes with different sacrifices and challenges compared to a civilian’s wife. This is why building a support community that you can turn to when you feel like you just can’t deal with the military anymore (I’ve been there) is going to be so important as a military spouse.
#3. It can feel lonely at times, but you will make some of your best friends as a military spouse. I was fine for about the first year and a half after moving across the country to be with my husband, but then I started realizing that I really missed those family dinners on Sundays, and having familiar friends and family around. But, I also had made so many new friends when I got here, and in fact had more friends here as opposed to back home. It is really important to put yourself out there in your new community to connect with other people (spouses or not) to start building a new support community for yourself. Spending time with just your spouse and not making new friends and connections is bound to lead to a hard time down the road. Even if it is just 1 or 2 good friends, you will need at some point, especially when your service member is away. Facebook groups are a great way to make these friends and connect with others! Most bases have a spouse page or community events that you can attend, and I would highly recommend giving these a shot.
#4. You’re probably going to feel like you don’t know what the hell is going on, well, most of the time. As I’ve mentioned before, there is no handbook for navigating military life (not really, at least) however there are other resources that you can lean on for help (like this website!) When I first married my husband, there was no one to guide me or show me the ropes of what to expect. I had to figure most of it out on my own. Just know that it is completely normal to not really know what is going on. Just continue to build your community and try to reach out to some seasoned, “been there, done that” spouses too! On my toughest days while my husband was deployed I truly believe that I would not have been able to pull through without the support of 2 close friends and seasoned military spouses- Michele and Jamie. In fact, I credit them for a lot of the source of my strength, just being able to see how they gracefully navigate and push through these challenges is really inspiring to me and allows me to provide support to other MILSOs. From one MILSO to another- we have to stick together!