Pre-Deployment Arguments… Are They Normal?

So you and your spouse have been arguing more than usual lately, and a deployment is right around the corner. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t you both be embracing each other as much as you can until they leave? Actually, you might be surprised (and relieved) to know that increased arguing before a deployment is more common than you might think! So, why do they happen and how can you work through them?

The time leading up to deployment can be pretty emotionally charged. Often stemming from a combination of factors, including anticipatory anxiety, fear of separation, maybe even a little bit of anger that your service member has to go away, and concerns about their safety and well-being. On the other hand, the service member is likely experiencing many of the same worries, and perhaps even worries about providing for their family back home, what to expect while deployed, and so on. So, it’s no wonder that things may be a bit more intense than usual! Reflecting back on my own experience with my husband before he deployed, I found myself Googling this same question. I didn't understand why this was happening, and the absolute last thing I wanted before my husband went away for 7 months was for us to be at odds. Giving yourself and your service member grace and patience during this time is key to working through it.

Know that your feelings are valid. Yes, even if you’re feeling a bit mad about the deployment, or even if you’re feeling optimistic (or maybe a mix of both!) All of these feelings are normal and valid. However, it is important to keep in mind that even though you may be feeling upset or even a bit mad that your service member has to go away, remember that they have absolutely no control over anything, so it is best to tread lightly when it comes to expressing this discontent to your service member.

So what can you and your spouse do to deal with all of this pre-deployment arguing? Create a supportive environment for honest and transparent communication. Encourage each other to express fears, concerns, and needs openly, without judgment or criticism. Lean on your support network of family, friends, or mental health professionals for guidance and encouragement. Participating in couples counseling can also help with navigating your relationship before, during and after a deployment.

In conclusion, everything you are feeling, thinking and experiencing is 100% normal. Many have gone through it, myself included. Just remember to have patience with yourself and your service member during this trying time, and seek support and help if needed. When you make it through to the other end, you’ll see that deployment can actually strengthen your relationship if you let it!